


Talk to me

by catt021



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, post s03e19, they get back together but not in a fluffy way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 17:45:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18579448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catt021/pseuds/catt021
Summary: Set after 3x19 and the break-up.Magnus discovers the real reason why Alec broke up with him and goes to give him a piece of his mind. The conversation though takes an unexpected turn.





	Talk to me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: There’s been a lot of post-break up stories posted these past two weeks and this story is somewhat of a response to those. I've been a tad annoyed by the way Alec's decision has been criticized and this is a bit of a rebuttal to that. 
> 
> To be clear, this is not meant to DEFEND the decision. It's just meant to explain it - because Alec isn't dumb, despite what everyone is writing about him. From his point of view, it makes sense. And it's not just because he's emotionally insecure.
> 
> FYI: My ACTUAL rebuttal is in the end notes if you feel like reading it. It probably does a better job of explaining my thoughts on the situation than this story does. I've always been better at writing essays than prose.

The tension in the room was thick.

After learning of the deal Alec had made with his father, Magnus had been overcome with a flood of different emotions. First confusion, then relief, joy, and finally (and most prominently) anger. As well intentioned as Alec may have been, he had caused Magnus a level of pain few had ever managed to do. What’s worse, he had nearly cost Magnus one of the best things that had ever happened to him. If it hadn’t been for Asmodeous’ interference, Magnus would have wiped out every joyful memory he and Alexander had ever shared and never known why. 

He quickly portalled over to the Institute, all but kicking down the door to Alec’s office as he let his former lover know exactly what he thought of his self-sacrificing gesture. The conversation was going more less as he expected, but while Alec did apologize for the pain he caused Magnus, he infuriatingly would not apologize for the decision itself.

“That wasn’t your choice to make,” Magnus replied angrily, “It was my magic and giving it up was my choice. You should have talked to me before doing something so stupid!”

It was with that last line that something in Alec shifted. The look of grief and regret quickly disappeared and something sharper took its place.

“Talk to you?” Alec snapped, his own anger rising to the surface. “ _Talk_ to you? When do you _ever_ talk to _me_? You constantly make decisions without telling me Magnus. You decided to go to Edom without telling me. You decided to get back your magic and trade away the apartment without talking to me! I had no idea about any of these decisions because you only tell me things when you have absolutely no choice.”

Magnus opened his mouth to refute but Alec continued on.

“You kept feeding me bullshit lines of ‘I’m fine’ and ‘I have everything I need right here’ when in reality you were actually _miserable_! How do you think that makes me feel when you don’t trust me enough to tell me how you’re feeling? It’s not like I don’t ask. I ask all the time but you just smile, pat me on the head and tell me what you think I want to hear.

“Everything is fine, until it’s _not_.” Alec spat. “Until you’re dying on the floor of my office.” Alec’s voice hitched, his eyes getting glassy at the memory. “By the angel, you had to get blackout drunk to _finally_ admit how you felt– to admit how much you regretted what you did for me.”

“I don’t –”

“You do. You may not regret saving Jace but you can’t deny you regret what it cost you.  So no, Magnus, I didn’t talk to you because I can’t trust you to be honest with me. All I have are your actions to judge and your actions made it very clear that you were willing to risk killing yourself rather than live without your magic. And since I can’t live without you, I did something to fix that – to save your life. If I don’t get to be a part of that life, so be it.”

With that, Alec seemed to finally run out of steam. He leaned back against his desk, scrubbing his hands over his face tiredly. Magnus took that moment to finally speak up, stepping cautiously toward his boyfriend.

“Alec… I’m sorry. I- I know I haven't been great about being honest about my feelings. I never meant– I _want_ to let you in. I do. But time and time again I’ve trusted the wrong people. I let them see my weakness, and people like Camille and my father used that information to manipulate me. Since then, I’ve learned it’s just safer to keep those feelings to myself. I should have talked to you about what I was going through. But please know, it was never about anything you did, I promise you.” 

“Isn’t it though?” Alec asked, finally looking up from his hands. “Ever since what happened with the Soul Sword, it feels like you’ve put a wall up around yourself. I know you said you forgave me but you’ve never really let me back in since then. Not when it comes to anything important.” Alec hugged himself protectively, now refusing to look at Magnus. “I don’t know what to do anymore Magnus.”

“You don’t need to _do_ anything, Alexander. That’s what I keep saying. This, just like me losing my magic, is just something that’s going to take time. Until then, all you have to do is be there and trust that I’ll get there eventually.”

“I don’t think I do,” Alec replied sadly. “Trust you, I mean. That’s the problem. Ever since that fight, neither one of us fully trust each other anymore.”

“Well something needs to change because we can’t keep going on this way,” Magnus replied frustratedly.

Alec just shrugged in defeat. “Maybe…“

“Don’t you dare,” Magnus warned. He knew that tone. He could hear the sound of resignation in Alec’s voice and he was not going to let Alec give up on this relationship a second time.

“Alec, look at me.”

Alec reluctantly looked up at his boyfriend.

“Do you want to break up?” Magnus asked flatly.

“No," Alec replied quietly. "I love you. I just, I don’t know how we move forward from here.”

“We don’t need to know that. We just need to decide if we’re willing to try. I know I am. After everything we’ve been through these past few weeks, the one thing that is crystal clear is that I don’t want to live in a world without you in it Alexander.” Magnus reached forward, cupping Alec’s cheek. It was the first time they’d touched in nearly a week and Magnus burned for more.

“Are you willing to try?” Magnus asked tentatively. “I can’t promise to change overnight. I can’t promise I won’t occasionally fall into old habits. But I love you, and I’m not ready to give up on us.”

Magnus held his breath as he saw the wheels in Alec’s head turning. For a terrifying few seconds he wondered if Alec might refuse but finally he let out a tired breath and nodded.

“Okay."

 With that Magnus pulled Alec forward, wrapping him in his arms. 

“I love you,” Magnus heard Alec mumble into his shoulder.

The two of them stayed that way for several more minutes, swaying and holding each other. They had a lot to talk about still, a lot to work through. It would take many more painful conversations, but Magnus knew that he was willing to fight through them.

If one thing had been made clear this week it was that a life with his Alexander was a life worth fighting for.

**Author's Note:**

> There’s been a lot of post-break up stories posted these past two weeks and this story is somewhat of a response to those. There seems to be a common theme where everyone just thinks two things: 
> 
> a) Alec was just being an impulsive idiot and he should have talked to Magnus about his feelings. 
> 
> b) The only reason Alec is doing this is because “he wants Magnus to be happy” and he can’t be without his magic. 
> 
> I think this is a gross oversimplification. Alec didn’t go to Asmodeous because Magnus was just unhappy. He went to him because Magnus was SO unhappy that he literally killed himself in front of Alec, and then later told Alec that he is never going to get over those feelings of unhappiness. In Alec’s eyes, Magnus’ depression is a threat to his very life. 
> 
> Look at all the sketchy things Magnus has done so far in 3b: He’s repeatedly lied about how much pain he’s in, he gave away his home to someone he hates with no warning, and THEN he nearly killed himself by trying to get his magic back. Imagine how this would be for Alec. Your loved one says they’re fine, you believe them, and then they drop dead in front of you in your office. Suddenly, you realize you can’t trust their word. In your eyes, their judgement has been compromised and you can’t trust them to make good decisions for themselves. 
> 
> So you make a decision on their behalf because you believe they won't/can't make a healthy decisions on their own. And let's get real, Magnus has NOT made good decisions this season.
> 
> Granted, I also agree that making a deal with a greater demon is undisputedly BAD decision, but I do see why Alec’s decision makes sense TO HIM in the greater context of the 3b plot. He’s working with the following facts:  
> \- Magnus was always going to date someone after he died.  
> \- Magnus and him broke up before and Magnus was more or less okay.  
> \- Magnus isn’t going to be alone after the breakup. He has plenty of friends (Cat, Raphael, Luke etc) to lean on.  
> \- Magnus is a suicide risk without his magic.
> 
> And to those who say “But why didn’t he just talk to Magnus?” ALEC TRIED! Episode 18 opens with him attempting to talk about what Magnus said to him in his emotional drunken breakdown and Magnus dismisses and avoids the conversation. 
> 
> Anyways, I don’t actually feel like my story gets all of the above points across but it was therapeutic to write.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this and it gave you something to think about. I also hope it's evident too that I do love Magnus. Him and Alec are lovely but flawed characters currently being motivated by fear and pain. This is in turn causing ME considerable fear and pain every Monday night and spawning long winded internet posts to help me deal with my feelings.


End file.
